Before age ten, I developed social skills at a normal rate. I had friends at school and played with neighbourhood children after school. My school performance was slightly above average. Academic performance was not important to me.

At age ten, I commenced fifth grade.  My fifth grade teacher in primary school abused and humiliated me.  The issue was trivial.  I received no support from classmates, family or other teachers.   I never told my parents what happened.  This experience precipitated a setback in my development for the remainder of my school years. A period of eight years.

I stopped interacting with my friends at school and in the neighbourhood. I withdrew from all social and family contacts. I was very lonely. I view my life at that time as an existential vacuum.

Losing My Sense of Self

I was nearly always non-assertive. I did not understand myself. I did not know who I was. I was afraid of being me. I was always trying to emulate somebody else.

My self-esteem dropped to an all time low. I applied more effort to my studies and my academic performance improved. However I wanted to be perfect so I was never satisfied with my performance.

When I finished my matriculation exams, I thought for a long time about suicide. I was 18 years old. I did not envisage a future that would be better.  I was terrified of the future.

My Secret Shame

I honestly believed I was the only person in the world who felt this kind of loneliness. Today I know my secret shame by another name: social phobia.

I did not know how to talk to other people. The problem was worst during my high school years. Sitting next to two or more girls talking was easy because I could pretend I was part of the conversation. But I could not hide myself in a one-to-one situation. Being alone with someone was a terrifying experience.

Instead of being an active player in life, I chose to be a spectator watching everyone else live. I was lonely, isolated and longing to connect. I wanted to belong to a peer group just as everyone else appeared to belong. When I listened to the other schoolgirls talk and gossip, I longed to be part of the action.

This may seem like a funny thing to say.  I truly wished to be a subject of school gossip because I wanted recognition for having a life.  I wanted to know I existed.   I was desperate for external validation.

I almost had no sense of self. I would look to the more popular girls in school and copy what they were wearing in order to improve my self-image. I was terrified of developing my own style.

Lacking Self-Trust

I wanted to ask another student to help me with a school assignment, I could not do it because I was afraid. Some of my assignments were never completed because it was impossible for me to ask for help.  I was awarded a zero mark alongside some remarkably good marks for the subjects I could handle alone. Then I became depressed because I believed that failure in school made me a bad person.

If someone wanted to read an essay I had written I would not want to show it to them. I was so afraid of showing them something I had composed. I expected criticism and ridicule. I would wait for it to be assessed by the teacher and, if it was awarded a good mark, then I knew it was safe to show it.

I feared being ridiculed if I admitted I was lonely or disclosed my "secret shame". There were times when I wanted to share a problem I was having with my schoolwork but I did not have enough trust to self-disclose.

Confused and hating myself

The problem of my "secret shame" was so entrenched I could not think of the words to articulate it. I believed that there was something hopelessly wrong with me and that this problem could never be solved.  I hated being alive.

No Nurturing

The nurturing, caring and support I needed was not there because I never disclosed that humiliating experience to anyone.