As I moved into adulthood, life did not seem as bad as during my school years. I found a way to exist and put up with being a "loser". I continued to live in a cruel world. I was merely keeping my head above water - I was going nowhere.

Low Self-Esteem

Having low self-esteem meant that I did not value myself as being significant or important as a person. I hated myself because I believed I was lacking something and that everyone else was better than I was. These were some of the beliefs that were making me crazy.

Wanting to keep the peace

I will do anything to avoid potential conflict. I try really hard to appease others by not interrupting or telling them that I don't like what they are doing. My fear of their anger or disappointment is so great that I would rarely risk raising a "difficult" issue.

Uncomfortable with anger and grief

I do not like to watch anyone being angry or sad. I want to calm, placate or distract them so that they stop showing these emotions.

I am very uncomfortable watching other people argue. I get more uncomfortable as the argument gets more heated.

In my family of origin I have been taught not to express these emotions - either publicly or privately.

Wanting to be accepted

Being a helper is a way to gain understanding and acceptance from other people. I was taught that being helpful was good and righteous.

Feeling Depressed

I have experienced several depressive episodes during my life. During these episodes, I have lost hope, energy and feel sad. They are caused by my mistaken beliefs, inability to express anger and self-criticism.

Instead of feeling angry when someone puts me down or rejects me, I felt sad because I believed that person was telling the truth. The depth of sadness is in direct proportion to the level or regard or esteem I hold the person who rejects me.

I also blame myself for saying something or doing something so bad that the other person was justified in their disgust with me. If I had behaved differently, I think, then this person would not reject me.

For example: boyfriends with academic and professional qualifications can hurt me more easily than boyfriends who drive trucks.

The mistaken beliefs are:

A person’s worth can be measured by what they have acquired instead of who they are.
My self-worth can be measured by the admiration of someone who has acquired something I have not got.
I should never get angry with someone who is "worth more" than me.
I have the ability to control someone else’s reactions by my own actions.

I found that self-education, support from a caring relative or professional and a purpose for living helped me rise from the depression spiral. Some experiences that helped me get out of depression are:

Driving lessons with my father
Serving coffee to work colleagues
Skiing lessons
Ferry cruises on Sydney Harbour
Becoming aware of my own mental processes. For example, whenever I see me putting myself down, I tell myself that I am hurting myself and that I should stop.

Self-criticism is an extension of the mistaken belief about being humble. self-criticisms, which further depressed me. I broke the cycle of depressing myself when I recognised that I was harming myself with self-criticisms.

Withdrawal

When I did feel comfortable in my environment I withdrew from the "here and now" experience. I fantasised about being somewhere else at some time in the future where I could feel validated by somebody other than me.

Withdrawal kept my mind occupied so that I did not have to worry about what was happening in the "here and now". But it also left me isolated and anxious about my shyness.

Motivated by Achievement

Seek recognition from achievement

I seek external validation by pursuing excellence. I aim to do an excellent job of whatever I undertake so that people will praise (validate) me.

Competition

I try to be better than other people are by because I measure my worth against their achievements.

This has lead to instances of "burn out". I worked so hard that I become physically ill and cannot continue. I have had chest pain, stomach ulcer and been more susceptible to bronchitis.

However, the one achievement or acquisition I do not have is a long-term relationship. I probably will not achieve this because people are not objects and they cannot be acquired and consumed like a commodity.

Choosing a Career

Schoolteachers have commented and praised my "strong analytical ability" and I have built a professional career in the information technology industry with it.

My "black and white" thinking is very appropriate for the industry I choose to work in. Computers can only work in binary. Every conditional statement is either true or false. Computers do not work well with grey areas.

In high school, as well as University, I elected to study maths and science based subjects. These were easy for me to do because there is a clearly defined "correct" or "incorrect" solution.

I was always good at expressing other people's ideas and following other people's procedures. But I was always afraid to develop my own opinions and methods.

Therefore I shunned the subjects which required expression of my own opinion. I could not discuss my opinion about something unless someone first tells me what the "correct" opinion is.

Desperate to be saved

"When you see what some girls marry, you realise how they must hate to work for a living."

What a joke!

Some of us thought that if we just married the right man or found the right partner, we would not have to work.

Did we ever consider how much work it is to be married to someone so we won’t have to work?

Did we ever consider how much work it is not to do our work?

How tempting it is to sell our souls for what we think will be the prize.

We women have been willing to objectify, to make ourselves, sex objects and make men (or other women) marriage objects.

In doing so, we have lost the possibility of relationships. It is not possible to relate to an object. Remember one has to perform to get the prize - one has to be to relate.

Helen Rowland

Extract from "Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much" by Ann Wilson Schaef

[Dickhead Years] To avoid going crazy, I dated someone who was totally unsuited to me. I decided that I should marry this person before I knew anything about him. I had to have a partner so that people would respect me.

(In earlier releases of this web site, I referred to this person as "the Dickhead from Canberra". I have decided that it really does take two people to stuff up a relationship and that I should drop that name. However the title graphic stays because people have told me they like it.)

I was disappointed when I discovered what he was really like. But I still wanted to marry him because I believed there was no hope of finding a more suitable partner and I would never be "good enough" to attract a more suitable partner.

This relationship provided me an artificial way to boost my self-esteem. It was artificial because I was not valuing myself. I was asking the boyfriend to value me. My sense of self was defined in terms of who I associated with and not by who I am.

The price I paid for this artificial boost was too high:

I gave up all my freedom.
I stopped doing whatever I enjoyed doing if he was not interested in the same.
Overnight my taste in music, my political opinions and my lifestyle changed to resemble someone else's preference.

I had no voice to say what movie I wanted to see, where to take a holiday or where to live (he moved to another city without consulting me).

I let him tell me what to do, what I needed and what I wanted.

I exercised at the gym (six days a week) because this person liked to see muscle definition on my body.

I became silently resentful about doing things I never wanted to do.

e.g. watching football and his favourite movies.

I let him make cruel and insulting jokes about me.

"Julie can't cook. She burns water."

Date Rape

Each had a totally different opinion about the quality of sex that took place. He described the sex life as "magic".

I was thinking more along the lines of "This is a nightmare ... how long before he is finished?"

I hated the experience but I could not find the words or courage to tell him.

About a year and a half later I did explain I regretted sexual involvement and he replied "it’s too late". It is true that time cannot be reversed. His response also showed that I was in a relationship with someone who does not care about me.

I had ample opportunity to get out of the relationship but this was unthinkable to me. This "relationship" appeared to be my only hope of finding "happiness".

I lost my sense of self. I forgot who I was and began to imitate him.

I stopped eating the foods he disliked and I over-exercised because he was a fitness fanatic.

It really was hard work keeping him happy. I worked so hard because I wanted him to take care of me. Today I realise it is so much easier just to take care of myself.

I never spoke up about these issues because I did not believe I was important enough to be heard. This is why low self-esteem was a problem for me.

Gradually, this person appeared to me to be stronger and better than me. This person may also have had a need to be superior to someone. When the relationship ended, my worst fears were confirmed.

The god-like figure whom I considered to be superior to me had now deemed me to be worthless. I became deeply depressed. I was devastated. I perceived that everything that was "good" about me was suddenly gone. I was left with "nothing". My life was worth "nothing".

I never felt safe to self-disclose in this relationship. I believed that eventually it would happen but it never did until the final moment when he ended it).

At that moment, I decided to ask a few questions I had been craving to ask after four years of silence. The communication style in this relationship was non-assertive. Neither would dare to ask or share their reality with the other.

This page was last updated Thursday, 04 January 2001