Irrational Beliefs

Put simply. Someone tells me something that I know is shit but I believe it anyway.

Why believe something that I know is shit?

The information was given to me when I was too young to question its validity. It was given by people I trusted and depended on for my survival. Mum and Dad. And they believed that shit too because someone told them the same thing when they were little.

What kind of beliefs?

Beliefs about what is valued and what is not valued in life. Including beliefs about love, self worth, respect, spirituality, work, money, sport, politics ... anything.

If I know that my parents taught me a load of shit when I was little, why don't I just change my thinking?

Well ... that is what "rebellious" teenagers do. I have changed some of my beliefs. This was not easy because my parents would react angrily and stop me from doing anything they perceived as strange. There are many more beliefs that I do not question because they are not explicitly stated.

What is the difference between explicit and implicit rules?

An explicit rule is something like "be home before 9 pm". It is a clear directive.

An implicit rule that relates my worth as a person to my school report is not explicitly. I just "know" that Mum and Dad are a lot happier when they see high marks on the report than when they see "fails". It seems to make sense that getting a high mark is a better outcome than a "fail".

What does not make sense is that I rate my worth as a human being according to the words written on a piece of paper. It does not make sense that people will use that piece of paper to decide whether I am worthy of love, respect and the right to express my opinion about something.

What beliefs can damage my self esteem?

Any belief that links love with a performance target (conditional love). Any belief that opposes self-love and self-acceptance.

I hated myself because I believed I was lacking something. I believed that everyone else was better than me. I believed that my whole existence was defective: My face, my body, my clothes, my voice, my job, my opinions. I did not value myself as being a significant or important person. I believed I had nothing worthwhile to say. I expected laughter and ridicule whenever I gave an opinion.

Get Out!

A straightforward and unambiguous way of letting me know I am not loved and I do not have a place in this family. I was the only child member who was offered to the opportunity to seek a better life elsewhere.

This was a hurtful and damaging time for me. As a child, I took the threat seriously. They wanted me to leave; but I could not survive if I left home. I think they knew that. I was stuck living with people who did not want me to live.

People who suicide or think about suiciding, have known someone who did not want them to live. In my case, I was not wanted because I was the wrong gender. I had two younger brothers. Each parent had their favourite son.

I was left out in the cold. I became the "problem child". Although I was never ordered to leave home, I felt emotionally abandoned. As an adult, I still fear abandonment. I do not get close to many people because I don't handle abandonment or rejection well. Although I don't need my parents for physical survival, the pain of not being loved or wanted remains.

"We want what is good for you. If you don't do what we want you to do, we will not love you."

The truth is:

"We want what is good for us but we always disguise it as being good for you."

You are Replaceable

"If you don’t love me/obey me, I can find someone else who will."

This is a threat of abandonment and a statement of my own worthlessness. Mother uses this threat when she is angry with either me or Father.

This page was last updated Monday, 11 June 2001