DOUBLE BIND RULES impose two contradictory beliefs at the same time. My parents used a lot of "double bind" logic.  These rules do not make much sense. As a child, I dared not question them. As an adult, I continued living with these rules.

The double bind rules were mistaken beliefs that lead to my depressed moods. In the past, I have fought with Mother to change her rules. But to differentiate myself, I need to accept that Mother can set any rule she likes. It is my choice to accept them or not.

Here are some examples of double bind rules I accepted.  Each rule is really two statements separated by the word BUT.   The important thing is that it is impossible for the statements on both sides of the BUT to be true at the same time.  Trying to achieve impossible requests is sure to result in great frustration and unhappiness.

• Marry educated, wealthy and professional Chinese people BUT they never encouraged us to mix with such families because they felt inferior to them.
• Acquire university degrees and professional jobs that pay high salaries BUT they were ignorant of the local matriculation process.

However I began to lift the burden of guilt when I disclosed these demands in group therapy. At that time, nearly everyone in the group declared that they would like to have perfect lives for themselves.  Then we all laughed.

I now realise that Mother was merely asking me to achieve something that had the same degree of difficulty as winning a lottery.

Nowadays, when she reminds me of my failure to fulfil my part of the unconscious bargain, I tell her that I would have done it if my parents equipped me with the skills and resources to achieve these goals.

I have decided it is nice to know she wants what is "best" for me. I want what is best for me too and I will decide what really is best, and attainable, for me.

I will never know how a violent and sadistic beating can promote a message about road safety.  It was safer to walk on that busy street than to get bashed at home.

This is a typical double bind statement after a beating.

"Your father loves you. He had tears in his eyes when he was beating you."

I don't like beating children because it is an uneven competition.  In a boxing ring, competitors of similar weight are matched against each other.  A child and a parent in a violent confrontation is not an even match. 

Interestingly, a parent is not so keen to use physical abuse when the child becomes bigger than the parent.  At that time, the parent may retreat or adopt a new form of abuse - such as psychological abuse.

I am good because am honest BUT honest people are stupid

As an Australian born Chinese person, I was encouraged to believe that people raised in China:

• were less clean
• were less honest
• were less caring
• had lower ethics and morals
• were more manipulative
• were more devious
• were less susceptible to deception

than Australian (white) people. Being raised in Australia, I was less susceptible to acquiring these designated Chinese qualities.

Since the day I was born, Mother was worried that I would never find a husband. She started early with this problem.  She was really afraid that I would be unmarried for a lifetime.

She held the same fear for herself before she married Father. In those days, most women were uneducated and needed to marry somebody for security and survival.

Mother believed her life would be unbearable if she never married. After she married Father, she felt safe and her life was bearable at last.

When I was born, her nightmare started all over again. She expected a son but got an (unmarried) baby daughter instead. Mother decided that her life would be unbearable if I never married.

Her fears were irrational but I was too young to know that. I accepted whatever she told me and was brainwashed with her fears.

I grew up feeling pressured to marry somebody. I was told that I must to find a man to "take care of me" and that women who don't marry become "cranky old maids". I suppose this meant that married women were beautiful, happy and smiling and unmarried women were ugly, angry and frowning.