Dealing with my Secret Shame

I broke one of my family’s rules and disclosed my "secret shame" for the first time. Self-disclosure meant risking the humiliation that I was taught to fear. To my surprise I discovered that my "secret shame" was not so secret or shameful after all.

The secret was about shyness: I could not initiate a conversation with a person I did not know. I kept this secret from age ten for nineteen years.

Revealing this secret for the first time was terrifying. The terror gave way to shock when the person I disclosed my secret to admitted to having the same problem.

After the first time, subsequent disclosures were a lot easier. I was surprised to encounter so many people who experienced this problem. People who never had this problem accepted my reality willingly. I found this gratifying.

Someone reading this might reasonably ask "Why didn't you do something about this sooner? You could have saved yourself a lot of heartache."

I know too well that I could have saved myself from massive heartache.  My shame was fuelled by ignorance.  I did not know that this was a problem that had a name and that there were experts who could help me so something about it.

Learning not to destroy myself

This has been the most important lesson of my life.

When I finally sought help from a psychotherapist, for treating my social phobia, I learnt that I was doing more to destroy myself than anyone else in my life was.

However my family of origin did nothing to stop me because they depend on me being the "identified patient". They do not have to face themselves if they believe I am the problem.

My depression lifted when I became empowered to change my thinking. My therapist assigned me a homework task to list all the things I do to put myself down. e.g. self-criticisms, deflecting compliments from other people and trying to be humble.

This simple exercise was the turning point in my life. This exercise taught me the power and freedom of personal responsibility: I had the power to either harm myself or to nurture myself. For most of my life I had chosen to harm myself.

The outcome of this exercise was to replace my depression with a ferocious appetite to learn as much as I can to raise self-esteem, create my own philosophy for living and to become assertive.

I quickly found the tools for tackling my social phobia. I changed my self-talk from negative self-criticising statements to positive nurturing statements. Although I have not totally overcome my shyness, I no longer consider this to be a condition so crippling that I would depress myself from worrying about it.

The Truth Is Out There

Instead of accepting my family of origin’s beliefs as gospel, I seek out other possibilities of the "truth". I check out my doubts with friends and my group therapy colleagues.

Challenging the Benevolent Dictator

Whenever I tell Mother that she is trying to control me, she always responds by saying she "only wants what is best" for me.

"If you don’t get married", she says,"you will be alone. After your father and I die, there will be no one to look after you."

This statement begs the questions:

• Don’t you think that I want what is best for me too?
• Do I look like I am trying to wreck my life?
• How well do you really believe you have looked after me?
• Is it possible my parents have never shown me what a good marriage looks like?

I used to get so angry with Mother that I could throw a meat cleaver at her.  Now I don't feels so angry.  I am coming to terms with the fact that she is different from me and she may not always like what I am doing. 

It is OK for these differences to occur.  I do not get the unsettled feeling in my stomach any more (what some people call "having my buttons pushed).

Distinguishing between process and content

As a computer programmer, I work with process and data all the time. Making the distinction has been easy. I only learnt to apply this knowledge to human encounters via group therapy. I have found it beneficial to uncover the unconscious needs which dictate my behaviour.

Resisting the Forces of Togetherness

I can respond to the forces of togetherness with objectivity. The forces for togetherness are usually represented as criticisms and directions for behaviour. I have developed objectivity in the following ways:

• Instead of exploding with rage and angry insult, I can observe the highly emotional reactions I have and question their source.
• Adopting personal responsibility as one of my values. I can choose my own responses in any situation. I use objective thinking, and not emotional reactivity, to govern my responses.
• I am resisting the temptation to "correct" or change family members so that they would be more like me. Even if I am convinced I am correct, it does not mean that they are wrong. It does not matter if they choose to be different from me.
• Resist the urge to follow / obey /submit to family members. I accept their opinion but stay firm with my own.

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This page was last updated Saturday, 06 January 2001