What are the Forces of Togetherness?

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I write this letter to you in hopes that you will consider your approach to parenting me before I arrive. I am a joyous child. I thrive on love and respect, order and consistency. When I arrive, I will seem very small to you. Even though I don't look like an adult, please understand that I am a human being.

Even though I will not speak words to you, I will know you with my heart. I will feel all your feelings, absorb your thoughts. I will come to know you more than you may know yourself. Do not be misled by my silence. I am open, growing and learning more rapidly than you can imagine.

I will make imprints of all that I see, so please give me beauty to rest my eyes upon. I will record all that I hear, so please give me sweet music and language that tells me how much I am loved. Give me silence to rest my ears. I will absorb all that I feel, so please wrap our life in love.

I am waiting patiently to be with you. I am so happy to have the opportunity to be alive. Maybe when you see me you will remember how precious life is too!

Your joyous child

Donna McDermott.  (1996) A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul.  Edited by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Barry Spilchuk

The forces of togetherness are what family members do to define them as being alike in terms of how they think and emote. Being alike promotes a sense of belonging and feels safe. It is also a distraction from thinking about loneliness and mortality.

The forces of togetherness are instinctual

The forces of togetherness begin with the infant’s relationship with the mother. The infant is not able to distinguish his or herself from the mother or the outside world. As the infant grows, he or she becomes aware of being separate from the world, including parents.

However, emotional separation from parents and the surrounding family system is never complete. The degree of separation varies between people.

A poorly differentiated parent achieved little separation from his or her parents. Any children of this parent will experience a similar degree of separation (unless conscious effort is taken to resolve the emotional fusion).

The disciplinary methods of parents can also strengthen the forces of togetherness. Parents are commonly advised to show a "united front" to children. If there is disagreement between parents over an issue involving a child, the parents may choose to conceal their disagreement.

The purpose is to discourage the child from triangling with one of the parents. The child is encouraged to believe it is normal for everyone in the family to think the same way.

Forming habits

Putting self last

The togetherness force encourages people to put themselves last. It promotes a sense of belonging and dependence. Everyone is caring for and sharing with everyone else. Putting the needs of others before our own needs is seen as a virtue and a valued quality.

However, putting the needs of the self first is met with hostility and accusations of selfishness.

For example, a woman chooses not to bear children because raising a family would impact on her lifestyle. She prefers running her own business to raising a family. Her poorly differentiated husband considers her to be selfish because she does not accede to his desire to raise a family.

A person who risks differentiation is risking exclusion from the family.

Projective Identification

Projective identification is borrowing a self from other members of the family. Instead of forging their own identity, a poorly differentiated person derives a sense of self from being associated with other members of the family.

For example, the "stage parent" who lives in the reflected glory of a child’s success. The child compensates for what the parent could not achieve, or never tried to achieve, from its own effort.

Putting the other before self

A person with a borrowed identity can talk excessively about the other. The talking is so excessive that it appears that the habits, opinions and interests of the other are more significant than those of the self are.

Gradually, the self becomes less significant and its identity shrinks. The need to borrow identify from the other increases. This can spiral into further lowering of sense of self; thus prompting more borrowing from the other.

Restrained from being real

Projective identification is about maintaining a pseudo-self that was unconsciously assigned. The pseudo-self has restrictions over behaviour, which increase over time. It may reflect an unconscious power struggle within a family.

For example, Wendy assumes the position of being "the weaker one" whilst Steve assumes the position of being "the stronger one".

Wendy applies pressure on Steve to "be strong and take care of her" because she is "weak". Steve agrees to the unconscious bargain of letting Wendy depend on him because the "strong" image makes him feel powerful.

However, Steve is not as powerful as he wishes. The real power rests with Wendy who constantly pleads "weakness and helplessness". If Steve starts to look "weak", Wendy will react angrily and insist that he "change back" to being strong.

Steve is never allowed to leave the "strong" pseudo-self role because he and Wendy have an unconscious bargain to meet each other’s need to be "strong" and "weak".

Perpetuating the forces

Language of togetherness

The forces of togetherness encourage collective words like "we", "our" and "ours". This promotes bonding of the family into common beliefs, philosophies and emotions. It also blurs identity. The person who uses this language is not readily able to distinguish self from others.

Cultural beliefs

Politicians, religious organisations and the media heavily promote respect for parents and the survival of the nuclear family. Challenging the ideal of family is considered a deviant act.

In more traditional cultures, parents keep reproducing even when they cannot sustain new members. They do this because they expect their children to look after them when they are old and to "extend" the parents’ lives by surviving them.

These expectations stem from the belief that the life of the parent is extended by the life of the child.

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This page was last updated Sunday, 07 January 2001