What does it mean to differentiate a self?

A differentiated person is able to view life with objectivity. Objectivity requires the willingness to recognise subjective influences. Differentiation is also reflected by a strong sense of self:

Being self-aware
Being self-accepting
Taking ownership of problems instead of blaming
Defining a self.

View reality with objectivity

Emotional objectivity

The differentiated person is able to distinguish fact from feeling and allow thinking to control life instead of feelings. They are pro-active in their responses to situations instead of reactive in their responses.

When in the midst of emotional turmoil, they can make choices about possible responses to the situation and choose an appropriate course. They can maintain emotional objectivity and relate to key people in the situation. This reduces instances of blaming and losing control.

With a rich "emotional bank account", the differentiated person is not obsessed with seeking love, happiness, comfort and security. He or she is able to show genuine concern for others without asking for anything in return.

View of Self

A differentiating person becomes less reactive to praise or criticism. He or she is able to take on the motto:

What other people think of me is none of my business.

Evaluation of self is also more realistic. It is neither far above nor far below. This view of self enhances self-esteem.

View of relationships

There is less emotional fusion and idealisation (of others) in close relationships.

A differentiated person can exist in relationships as an autonomous self. In relationship, differentiated people may share similarities in values and philosophy but they have distinct personal goals.

They support each other in their pursuit of personal goals without depending on each other for goal fulfilment. In doing so, they can be together and separate with a partner.

Neither compliant nor rebellious, the differentiated person can choose without taking responsibility for the reaction of others.

Develop Self-Hood

With self-hood there is more energy for goal directed activity. There is more satisfaction in life because less energy is devoted toward maintaining emotionally fused relationships, denying problems, chasing ideal situations and building a pseudo-self.

Beliefs, values and philosophy

Forming beliefs, values and a philosophy that suits an individual. Not blindly accepting what family, peers, friends, government or community impose.

The differentiated person makes increasingly defined convictions on most important issues because he or she owns those convictions.

Life path

Instead of following unconscious cues from the family of origin, the differentiated person is able to determine what his or her life goals will be and the most appropriate ways to achieve them. The differentiated person’s life is custom-designed according to his or her values, goals and philosophies.

Enhancing self esteem

There is more awareness and acceptance of individuality (e.g. personal qualities, preferences, values, beliefs, and philosophy) and a similar acceptance of the uniqueness of others. The differentiated person likes being him or herself.

With high self-esteem, the differentiated person is assertive, able to express his or her wants, thoughts and feelings and resists pressures to conform to someone else’s way of being.

Self-direction

The differentiated person makes changes within the basic self on the basis of new knowledge and experience.

Speaking for self and taking the "I" position is a reflection of self-awareness and an acceptance of personal responsibility.

The differentiated person approaches new situations with curiosity and fascination, seeks satisfying relationships and is more likely to find inner peace.

This page was last updated Sunday, 07 January 2001