How do the Forces of Togetherness and the Forces of Separateness (or Individuation) create tension and misunderstanding?

In Marriage

Two people form a relationship that unconsciously reminds them of their symbiotic experiences with their mothers. The Forces of Togetherness are so strong that they believe they have so much in common and are never in conflict. They idealise each other.

Eventually, each individual has difficulty keeping the idealised image in which their partner holds them. The Forces of Separateness expose the flaws - or reality - of each partner.

As each partner evolves towards individuation, tensions arise because there is disappointment over the loss of the idealised partner. The discovery that the person they married is not the person they wanted to marry can be devastating.

If they do not accept that the person they want to marry does not exist, the partners may decide to divorce. They will say to themselves that they chose the wrong partner and that their idealised partner is still out there waiting to be found.

In Family

In families, the Forces of Togetherness are represented by the belief that children are an extension of their parents.

These parents approach parenting as a project in which either:

1. The child is treated like a blank sheet of paper. The parent designs a life for the child.
2. The child received what the parent wanted and did not have.
3. The child is forced to experience the same unhappy experiences of the parent. This is to justify the parent’s past suffering.

In each situation there is projective identification: the parent is living out his or her own life goals through the child. The child is not free to choose its own life. The child is being used to heal the parent’s past pain.

Examples of parental goals that can be imposed on children are:

• Sporting achievement
• Academic excellence
• Career ambition
• Toys, clothes, holidays and activities that the parent never experienced in his or her own childhood
• Preferred behaviours
• Choice of spouse

The parent devotes a massive effort to support the child’s ability to meet these goals.

The Forces of Separation encourage the child to explore the surrounding world, experiment and discover interests and passions that have little or no connection with parental aspirations.

This is in direct conflict with the Forces of Togetherness, which pressure the child to show gratitude for the "sacrifices" the parents have made to support the child. The parent may react with indignation and criticism if the child does not meet parental expectation and "disappoints" the parent.

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This page was last updated Sunday, 07 January 2001