What does it mean to be differentiated from your family of origin?

To be differentiated means to react by thinking and to observe the processes that are happening between family members. Family members have a strong sense of self, assertive communication style and an acceptance of personal responsibility.

In a poorly differentiated family, the pressure for togetherness is strong. Family members react more readily from emotion and subjectivity than from thinking and objectivity.

Reduced emotional over-reactivity

The differentiated person reacts objectively instead of subjectively. The "button pushing" reactions which typify subjective and emotional over-reaction are less frequent.

A differentiated person understands the source of the emotional over-reactions and accepts differences between family members.

Resisting the urge to "correct" other family members

A differentiated person can accept differences in goals, values and beliefs between family members.

There is little need to encourage other family members to be the same. A differentiated person is able to accept different opinions and choices from other people. It is not necessary to triangle a third person into an alliance to "prove the other is wrong".

Being objective about parents and other family members

Parents and other family members are neither upgraded to superstar status nor downgraded to worthlessness. A differentiated person has a realistic and objective view of them.

Being separate and together at the same time

A differentiated person is able to maintain a sense of self (individuality) whilst being in contact with the family of origin. This contact is characterised by observing more, reacting less and being objective.

The differentiated person maintains his or her own identity without disowning ties with the family of origin. He or she can step outside the family emotional system and observe the processes between other family members without feeling the urge to be a part of it.

Dealing with pressure to stay together

Any move to differentiate is a disturbance to the equilibrium of the family’s emotional system. This equilibrium exists to minimise anxieties and tensions between family members (without actually doing anything to change them).

A differentiating person can disturb the equilibrium by acting in a way that is "not expected" by the family of origin. The family will feel anxiety from the differentiating person’s behaviour. The differentiated person will face ostracism and criticism for being "in the wrong".

The family will pressure the differentiating person to conform and behave in a way that restores equilibrium.

For example, a wife’s decision to study at University may disturb her husband’s perception of himself as the more knowledgeable partner.

If the husband is poorly differentiated, he may angrily protest his wife’s decision by complaining that she is neglecting her duty to complete household chores.

Acting from emotion, he will not recognise that his wife’s actions have prompted him to re-evaluate his perception of himself.

Developing a person to person relationship with each parent

Instead of relating to two people as a single entity, the differentiated person has separate relationships with each parent.

Developing a separate relationship with each parent allows the differentiating person to break out of triangles with parents. When talking alone with each parent, the differentiating person does not feel compelled to choose topics which involve other family members (particularly the other parent).

This allows the differentiating person to develop a one to one relationship with each parent.

De-triangling

If called upon to join a dispute, the differentiated person would maintain an objective stance and let the family members originally involved in a dispute handle their differences alone.

It is difficult for an undifferentiated person to observe a dispute between other family members without becoming involved. The undifferentiated person is easily triangled into forming an alliance with one of the disputing members.

Emotional cut-off is not differentiation

A differentiated person is able to live his or her own life without having to be permanently cut off from the family of origin.

Some people mistakenly believe they are emotionally mature because they have little or no contact with their families. The cut-off allows them to avoid emotionally charged situations.

However they are no maturer than their counterparts who have never left the family home because they continue to experience the same emotional over-reaction whenever they are in contact with their family of origin.

Their act of distancing is a reaction to the emotionality in their family of origin. It is an emotional response.

Personal Responsibility

The differentiated person is responsible for self and not others; resisting overtures to take the blame for other family members’ misery or happiness.

A differentiated person does not defer important decisions to family members or seek the approval of a family member.

This page was last updated Sunday, 07 January 2001