"I don't have a problem with self esteem. 

I am a high achiever.  I set high standards for myself."

This is a myth.  It is such an easy trap into which people fall.   High self esteem is unconditional self-love.  The high performer can only love himself/herself if the performance is high.  The high performer is not so self-loving when he/she fails.  The high performer cannot afford to fail.  The high performer only knows conditional love.

High Standard = High Achievement = LOW SELF ESTEEM

If parents repeatedly punish a child because they think this will drive performance further upward, the child is guaranteed to develop low self esteem.  Parents with low self esteem typically push for the straight "A" result so they can brag about the result to their peers.

The parents and the child probably have no idea they have low self esteem because they are high-achieving "successful" people.  They have never separated self-worth from performance.

Parental Ambition

My parents would say:

"We love you so much.  We want what is best for you."

Their definition of "best for me" was usually some incredibly difficult achievement.  Anything less than perfect school marks, a prestigious job and nailing down a partner of similar "quality" would be a disappointment to my family. 

The standard was always too high.  There was always a clever-arse kid from another Chinese family who was better than me.  I missed many opportunities to make friends with clever kids because I resented them for being so clever.  (Especially the piano playing ones.)  Likewise they missed the opportunity of making friends with me.

Competition is Harmful

People with low self esteem think that competition leads to better performance.  I can see how that works in the market economy.  It does not necessarily follow that you have to do it with school or work colleagues to get the best out of people.

A team or community based approach would work better.  If we approach our work and study with values of co-operation and mutual support, our combined talents would achieve more than a bunch of selfish individuals who just one to look better than everyone for just one moment in time.

That is the really stupid thing about linking performance with self esteem.  Performance is changing every moment.  If an athlete breaks a world record at lunch time and someone else breaks that world record before dinner time, does this mean that the first athlete is only entitled to enjoy high self esteem for a few hours?  Sadly, that is how many high achieving and supposedly successful people live.

An Alternative

I would like to suggest an alternate definition for successful living.  I choose to tell myself that I have done heaps of things for which I feel incredibly proud.   These include personal achievements and the times I have helped others achieve something that was important to them. 

At any given moment in time, I am entitled to feel pretty good about myself.  I believe that God is only capable of creating fabulous people.  So I only allow myself to believe I am fabulous - especially when I am having a bad hair day.

A Pearl of Wisdom:  Click to View or Add Text. 

This page was last updated Sunday, 07 January 2001