I found this article on Being Girl.  Although it is oriented towards teenage girls, there is a lot of simple wisdom.

There is an old song called, "Don't Cry Out Loud"  It goes, "Just keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings."

That is stupid advice.  By not feeling and expressing emotions, you can actually get physically sick.  Holding back anger can contribute to headaches and even depression.

Feelings are emotions.  They are reactions to events that go beyond a logical, intellectual response.  Being able to identify your feelings is an important part of self-discovery.  

The clearer you are about what you're feeling and why, the healthier you will be - physically and mentally.

There are a few "big" emotions that a lot of others stem from:

• Love - from love comes joy, happiness, gratitude, and optimism.
• Hate - from hate comes resentment, loathing, and low self-esteem.
• Fear - from fear comes anxiety and jealousy.

We all like the "happy" emotions.  But not many people like dealing with the darker ones - fear, anxiety, disappointment, and shame.  Because we don't like them, sometimes we squash them or deny them.

People do this in different ways - one way is with substances like booze, drugs, cigarettes, or even food.  Maybe you would light up a cigarette if you found out your boyfriend's cheating on you. Maybe you have seen a relative or parent reach for a drink when he or she got angry.  Or maybe you have watched a friend with tears in her eyes insist, "I'm ok, really."

There is only one way to get to the other side of feelings, and that's to experience them.  Here is the quick 1-2 on processing feelings:

• Identify - what are you actually feeling?  Sometimes anger is disappointment in disguise.  It "feels better" to yell and scream than it does to feel vulnerable when you have been hurt.  See what is at the root of your feeling.
• Clarify - what are you having your feeling about?  If you hate your math teacher because he gives you pop quizzes, maybe the root of it is fear of failure.  We have all "snapped" at a sibling who ticked us off, only to realise later that we were actually angry about something our best friend said in class.
• Talk about it.  It works.  If you are angry about something your friend said or did - tell that person.  You would be amazed how much it helps to say, "I'm really mad at you about...", or if you are really brave, you might say, "My feelings were hurt when you ..."
• Avoid "acting out".  Just because you feel like ripping your boyfriend's leather jacket into shreds, you do not have to do it. You can not always control your feelings, but you can control your actions.
• Know that it will pass.  Feelings come in waves. You know how sometimes you may feel a little down before your period? You know it is PMS and it will pass. You live through it.

So get to know your feelings. They will lead you to getting to know yourself.

This page was last updated Wednesday, 04 April 2001